In Michelle's Words - A young cancer patient's diary

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Diary and Letters - 2000 - 2004 May 21, 2000 - "The chemo/radiation treatments are not as bad as I thought. One thing I might do on the site is create a diary of my experience- if I don't mind releasing such personal things."
So off I go to Fairview Southdale hospital in an ambulance (insurance is going to love me) because they are worried I may have a siezurew. The next day we did an MRI which showed only one non-bleeding tumor on the right frontal lobe. This is the part that controls the left side (aha!) and the personality (thus explaining my increased temper). I will have surgery on Monday and stay in the hospital till Thursday. Till then, no driving. And I just bought a new fun car! WAH!!! My left arm is 90% useless and my leg tends to randomly cross over the other one, kind of like how models walk on the runway. For one hour, do everything with your right hand (unless you are left-handed). I mean everything. And if you can't do it, be embarrassed and ask for help. And think about everywhere that you drive and how you would get rides for the day. Let me know how it goes. I'm not asking this to be nasty or whiny, I want understanding. This was a big bombshell for me, but at least I can say that there are things to be grateful for on Thanksgiving. And with the amount of rare things that happen to me, I guess I will beat the odds and survive this! And I'm buying a lottery ticket! The doc said he could give me a small bit of my tumor to beat up bedside. I'm planning on taking the jar home and doing a fun little photo shoot called "Fun with Tumors" i.e.: pretending to back over it with my car, decorating it for Christmas- suggestions? Hi from my cozy home! With my own bed and good coffee and paranoid parents and no one taking my vital signs every few hours! The rats were a little cool at first, but I knew I was still loved because all of my smelly socks were bunched up in their box. Later, they snuggled in my arms and got their ears scratched. Mongo climbed onto my shoulder and stood on his hind legs to check out my sutures. Thank God rats are smart- a hamster would have tried to eat them. I want to thank the adult edge skating list and Nat from the ratlist for the cards and flowers. I don't even know you guys! I just about cried when I got the beautiful orchid display, and everyone thought that the Green rat footprints were darling! No, the rats and the dog did not get to visit. My parents are kind of stuck in that 70's mentality of "hospitals are where we get better, not comfortable." Oh well! :-) In another bizarre twist of fate, my friend Jan's hubby was in the same hospital with a stroke, just a few doors down. So Jan (who doesn't know it) but can be a bit of a rule breaker, just moseyed down the family-only ICU hallway to visit me on Tuesday. She and her friend gave me such a morale boost that day!The plan now is to schedule a follow-up with the U of M surgeon who was considering operating on my lungs. He and the neurosurgeon know each other, so they'll discuss my case. As far as the neuro guy is concerned, my brain is cured! We'll be doing follow-up MRIs every few months just to be sure. Meanwhile, I can't wait to taper off all of the anti-swelling drugs, because they mess with your hormones and make you cry about CUTE, LITTLE FUZZY BUNNIES and the like. LOL!

God news is, I am not having symptoms and I am attending Goalie's free chocolate school tomorrow with a cute guy. My parents are apparently not aware that denial is not just the name of a river in Egypt. They still think I'm actually going to make it! As for me, I'm just very angry right now that I won't get to experience all the normal things that people do. OK, it looks like the chemo is working! The mongo grapefruit-size tumor that has been tormenting my right lung shrunk 3cm. In fact, the majority of the right lung is inflated. All other tumors have not grown in size. We have started another regimen of the same chemo and will check again in one month. But really, it is nice to know that I was originally diagnosed just a month before my 25th birthday, and here I am celebrating a fourth birthday since! For those who like to count, it has been two years since my metastasis showed up. I've already beat the odds by six months! If I last three more years, I will be in the rare 2% of people who make it that far.

My tumor marker count has dropped from 406 to 292! Its working! The chemo and radiation is working! The bald patches on my head have filed in and the hair is about 1/2" long. We're getting there, though I do not look forward to the day when it is sticking straight up. One more thing...I lost my discrimination complaint against Target. Bastards. Hi to all, I won't keep you in suspense for long: my last MRI report was a misread. Turns out that I have little to no tumor in my brain! To be honest, I couldn't believe it , so I poured over the films myself. Unless I am blind (wouldn't surprise me) there is, in fact, little to no tumor in my head! OK! PS: Nancy- Bandito has been played with and cuddled but not walked. He misses you, but he seems happy otherwise. I'm gaining weight! Yay! Now, how many people thought they would ever hear me say that? 2lbs! Only fifteen more to go. That should put me a healthy and slightly leaner weight of 135lbs. Mom and Dad say that they would be happy to see me clean out the fridge, but I say that would only last till the first grocery bill comes in. Besides, my Dad wants me to weigh 170, which would make me look like Paul Bunyan. I am going to get a little suitcase and some travel stickers for my cancer. It's gone to my damn hip bones! To make a long story short, we will radiate them and I must be a careful camper till they're better. The doctor assures me that this is not the end of the road. But it is an inconvenience. No activities that may cause a fall until I get better. No holding the dog's leash, no skating- what am I going to do when winter hits? I really do not want a broken hip bone. On the plus side, I don't have to take the toxic part of chemo while being radiated

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